The Super Bowl

A group of us had all headed to Camana bay to watch the Super Bowl in one of the restaurants offering an all you can eat BBQ. Josh had headed home after work and being all too familiar with his usual routine of walking in through the front door and passing out, I wasn't convinced that he was going to cycle all the way back to join us. However I was proved wrong when he rocked up an hour later, although he did confess he wasn't interested in the game he was just wanting to ingest as much food as physically possible for his $25. 

After his first round of food Josh disappeared for a few moments, before reappearing and declaring: 
"I just washed my hands in the fountain because the queue for the bathroom was so Goddamn long."
"I guess bathrooms are too mainstream anyway...Was there soap there too?!" I asked, unphased by his latest act of weirdness.
"Nah, there wasn't but it smelt kinda like chlorine so I'm guessing that will work."

Fuelled by the all he could eat BBQ, Josh proved to be full of ideas as he then suggested:"Poppy let's empty your purse and fill it with ribs and pulled pork to take home!" 
If the thought wasn't disturbing enough for any girl, I don't even eat meat so the idea of carrying the remains of dead animals around in my designer purse was not one that exactly filled me with joy.

Meanwhile, Josh R had consumed what can only be described as half a cow next to me and proudly announced: "Letting me pay $25 for all you can eat BBQ was a bad idea, they are going to lose some serious money." With all the boys trying to outdo each other with how much food they could consume, I was beginning to think I was the only one who had come to watch the game...

The Haircut

After sleeping for 18 hours straight, Josh was still horizontal on the couch when I returned from my morning run. Seriously concerned about how he was physically able to remain unconscious for such an age without the help of a medically induced coma, I ventured over to check on him. 

When I had established that he was in fact still alive I tried to motivate him to go out and do something. After an exasperating effort, without any success, he then asked me if I would cut his hair for him. Hoping that a new haircut would somehow also radically affect his mental state, I jumped at the idea and ten minutes later I had transformed the doorway from our kitchen to the back yard into a Barber's shop.

Josh didn't seem at all interested in my previous experience or ability to cut hair (luckily for him I had actually cut people's hair before) but just thrust his trimmers into my hands and asked me to "make it shorter." 
Approximately three minutes into the hair cutting process Josh contributes: "You're doing it all wrong, you need to just go in all directions because my hair is crazy curly. It's like shearing a sheep."
I've never had much first hand interaction with farmyard animals but I've seen sheep shearing on Emmerdale once so drawing on that mental image I set to work.

Forty- five minutes and seventy petty arguments later; the sides of Josh's hair were remarkably shorter, I'd left him a mohawk down the back of his head and it slightly longer on top. There were a few places that I may have got a bit carried away with but all in all I was pretty pleased with the final outcome. 

After Josh's initial unconvinced reaction I was able to pacify him by persuading him it looked hot and all the girls wouldn't be able to resist him. When he was finally happy with the outcome we set about clearing up the sea of Josh's hair that now covered our kitchen floor. I also realised that my top was absolutely covered in it too, so telling Josh to avert his eyes, I took it off to shake it out. At precisely that moment our neighbour Anastasia walked in through the back door to see both Josh and I standing topless in the kitchen surrounded by what looked like the result of the massacre of a black sheep. We had a lot of explaining to do...

Chicken

“Dude you left so much meat on the chicken in the trash. Thanks it was a sweet snack!”

“Hold up, Josh, you ate out of the trash?!”

“Yeah it was no big deal, it was in a bag.”

The Warning

Living on the edge

A group of us had all decided to go out for dinner and were just chilling in our next door neighbour's front room when Josh stumbles in wearing absolutely nothing other than a pair of very ill-fitting shorts. He sat down to chat to us for a while and decided he was going to join us for dinner. When he stood up to go and get ready though he was holding his shorts up with both hands and kind of shuffling out of the room. 

"Erm your shorts look kinda big for you man." Josh R (the other Josh) pointed out. Fearing I was going to be exposed to parts of his anatomy best left to the imagination I added, "Yeah Josh maybe you need a belt with those shorts... They're falling down!"
Josh then replies, "Oh yeah it's because I found them."

"What do you mean you found them?!"
"Yeah I found them at the place where I used to live so I was like hell yeah, free clothes!"
I should probably note that there is most likely a middle class fifty year old male out there somewhere still wondering where his favourite pair of golf shorts have gone.
"I think you should probably go shower and change Josh, we will wait for you." I encouraged. Thank goodness he went and did just that.

We went to Camana Bay for ice cream after our meal and sat outside to eat it on some cool outdoor seating which, according to Josh, were "desert biscuits from space." 

After an awesome night of sushi, Haagen Daaz and a lot of laughter (not all at Josh's expense) we headed back to the car but as Josh R got his keys out to unlock it he managed to drop them straight down a drain on the road. I didn't know what to say, especially when he removed the drain cover to retrieve them and there were frogs and all kinds of fermenting foliage down there. However, seemingly unperturbed by this truly uninviting situation, Josh R hopped straight down into the drain and started rummaging around in substances too disturbing to describe.

Josh and Anastasia, who had been following behind us at a slower pace, then arrived on the scene to the sight of only Josh R’s head poking out of the ground and the rest of his body experiencing the inside of the Cayman underground drainage system.
 Josh mooches on over and asks: “Hey man, does it smell like my laundry down there?”

At this point I couldn’t contain myself and was actually laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. Anastasia then asked the question that any other rational human would have done, “Josh why are you down the drain?!” Apparently whether the scent of the filthy drain resembled his dead rat fragranced laundry was a far more pressing line of enquiry for Josh though.

After a gruelling but heroic effort by Josh R the key retrieval was a success, so to celebrate we drove round the big roundabout five times, got stopped by the Police in a random check and came home where I fed a horizontal Josh popcorn, much like you would your dog. An excellent evening all round.

The Geography Lesson

One evening when I asked Josh where in the US he is from, he replied, "I'm from Colorado."
Being British and unfamiliar with the location of every American State myself I asked him where exactly Colorado is. He stared back at me blankly before replying: "You know, between the four corners... Like in the middle kinda."

I didn't know, so I asked him to show me where it was on a map. So Josh brings up Google Maps on his phone ,finds America and hands it to me. I wasn't sure if he just thought I was asking where America was in relation to the surrounding ocean, because that's all he managed to clear up for me. 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt I asked him to show me where Colorado was on the map. Josh then started zooming in on the map and scrolling around whilst muttering to himself, "Yeah, it's around here somewhere." By this point the two other Canadian girls we were with at the time had dissolved into laughter, I know Americans aren't famous for their geographical knowledge, but I'd hoped that they would at least be able to locate their home state... Apparently I was wrong.

Motivation

After lying on the couch all evening from the moment he got home Josh appeared to be deep in thought...Until he opened his mouth and said:

“If I was marine life I’d be a piece of coral. Ermm I think you’d be a dolphin. And if I was land based then I think I’d be an earth worm…. or a sloth…Oh my god I’m so lazy.”

“Yes you are; I swear I’ve never met anyone quite like you Josh, you are constantly tired.”

“Nahhh, I’m not really tired….I just sleep ‘coz I’m bored, there is nothing to do.”

“Are you serious?! You’re living on an island in the Caribbean... There is so much to do! I’m always busy. Why don’t you go out and explore the island, read a book, socialise or go for a swim?”

“Eugh that all sounds like a lot of effort and I spend every day in the ocean at work…Nahh I will have a nap and think about what I want to do when I wake up.”

“Ok, I have an idea, how do you feel about physical exercise? Why don’t you start working out with me, we can go running?”

“Run? I hate running, it hurts.”

“Well it’s good for you, it will make your air consumption better when you're diving, make you healthier and keep you in shape.”

“Ermmm I dunno.”

“Come on it will be fun, we can start small and build it up, we will do some core stuff too, like sit ups and stuff.”

“Sit ups? Oh hell no.”

I would probably have more success motivating a cardboard box. “Come on, you’ll love it! Plus it will help you get ripped and then all the girls will be flocking around you.”

At this Josh's eyes lit up and he even raised his head off the pillow; the most movement I’d seen from him all evening. “Ok sure, I will try it once.”

“Excellent, why don’t we start with a warm up…. Tidying up your room? This is going to be fun, I’m going to call it Poppy’s Boot camp.”

“Poppy’s boob camp? I get to feel boobs all day? Awesome!”

“BOOT camp Josh. My God.”